Calm Down, Squalo
by sassygaywizard
Summary: Squalo is too noisy, and the Varia are fed up. So they hold a competition to see who can get the loud commander to stay quiet for longest.


**A short oneshot. This will probably be bad, but I had to do something for Squalo's birthday. :P**

"VOOOOI! GET UP, BRATS!" Superbi Squalo yelled as he marched along the seemingly endless corridors of the Varia headquarters, flailing his sword in the air. It was only half past six in the morning, but he was determined to wake his co-workers. It wasn't hard to wake them, though, with his deafeningly loud voice.

A knife lodged itself in the wall beside Squalo as Belphegor emerged from his room, rubbing sleep from his eyes. "Shut up, Squalo." He grumbled, still half-asleep.

"It's too early to get up, long-haired commander." Fran appeared behind Bel.

"Voi-" Squalo began, but was interrupted by a wine glass smashing against the back of his head.

"I'm trying to sleep, trash."

Squalo turned slowly, scowling, to find Xanxus standing behind him, glaring at him. Levi stood a few metres away from the boss, also glaring at Squalo, but the commander chose to completely ignore him as usual.

"What's going on here~?" Lussuria's voice chimed as he approached.

"The long-haired commander is being noisy." Fran deadpanned.

"Squ-chan, calm down dear." Luss spoke through a yawn, stretching his arms above his head.

"Whatever." Squalo grunted, walking away.

There were a few moments of silence after the shark left. After a while Lussuria piped up. "I know! Why don't we have a competition to see who can get Squalo to be quiet for longest?"

"Ushishi. Sounds fun. The prince will play."

"Sure, if it'll get the long-haired commander to shut up."

"I'll join if boss does."

Xanxus simply grunted.

"I'll take that as a yes." Luss smiled broadly, looking around at the rest of the Varia. "Great! We'll start from now! We can't tell him what we're doing though, okay?" The others nodded. Satisfied, Luss disappeared into the kitchen to start making breakfast.

XXX

"Yo, Squalo," Bel appeared in front of the commander as he made his way to the kitchen to retrieve his food, "Since I'm a prince, I order you to not say anything for the rest of today."

"What the hell, Bel? No way!" Squalo yelled at his usual outrageous volume. Bel pouted, folding his arms.

"You're a commoner so you have to obey the prince."

Squalo pushed past Bel and continued on his way, shouting, "Voi, Luss! Is breakfast ready? I'm hungry!"

Bel's plan had failed. Huffing, he strode off back to his room.

XXX

"Eat up, Squ-chan~" Lussuria dumped a plate stacked almost to the ceiling, which was quite an achievement in the massive base, with pancakes coated in sweet golden syrup in front of Squalo as he sat down at the kitchen table.

"What's all this?" Squalo eyed the pancake pile; it was so high that he couldn't even see the top.

"A little treat for you~" Luss chimed, returning to the stove to continue cooking while humming a cheery little tune.

After about five minutes, Squalo couldn't eat any more. There was still plenty of pancakes left on the plate; the shark had barely eaten any of them. "Voi, Lussuria! I'm stuffed." His voice wasn't getting any quieter.

Luss' plan had failed. "Mou, what am I going to do with all these leftover pancakes~?" He sang as Squalo left the room.

XXX

"Squalo." Levi called to the long-haired man. Said man ignored him and continued marching down the hall.

"Squalo." He called again. When Squalo stopped, Levi smiled slightly, thinking he had caught the commander's attention. He was wrong. Squalo pulled out his cell phone, which was ringing, and answered it with a 'voi' loud enough to wake the dead.

"Squalo." Levi tried once more to get the man to notice him. His attempts were futile. The shark was yelling down the phone at whatever poor being was on the other end of the line.

"Squalo." Levi raised his voice so that he was almost shouting. Still no response came from the silver-haired assassin. The Varia's Thunder Guardian gave up.

Levi's plan had failed before it had even begun. Nobody cares what Levi did next.

XXX

"Hello, long-haired commander." Fran deadpanned, flopping into the sofa beside Squalo.

"What do you want, brat?" Squalo's gaze flicked over to the illusionist and he narrowed his eyes, arching an eyebrow. As he did so, something appeared over his jaw. He let out a muffled voi, lifting a hand and touching it to the thing to find that a large piece of duct tape now covered his mouth. He blinked in confusion and ripped it off with ease. It disappeared in his hand and Fran sighed jadedly.

"Damnit, senpai, that wasn't supposed to happen."

"Voi! Was that one of your illusions?" Squalo raged.

"Maybe." Fran shrugged.

"What the hell was that about?"

"It was meant to shut you up."

Fran's plan had failed. He stood up and wandered out of the room, adjusting the frog hat as it slid down one side of his teal hair.

XXX

"Trash." Xanxus called. Squalo turned to face him, and was promptly smacked in the forehead with a wine glass. He cursed under his breath as blood trickled down his face and his vision began to blur. That had been one hell of a hit. His legs crumpled under him and he collapsed to the ground, knocked out. Xanxus smirked.

Squalo didn't speak for a whole hour while he was unconscious.

Xanxus had won the contest.

**This is the first time I've ever finished a story o-o Although it's only a oneshot, so really it doesn't count… :/**

**Review? Or not. I don't mind either way, since I don't need any motivation to continue this~**


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